[ r e f l e c t i o n ] Loving and Leaving

There’s no guarantee that those who love us will never leave us, nor is it always true that those who leave us never loved us.

This thought came across my mind while I was walking from my office to the bus stop, and yes, I just quoted myself.

How many times have I mistaken leaving for neglect or abandonment? There are people who in my life who I wished stayed a little longer with me. Growing up I had this view that part of  loving someone means that you will always be there for that person. I believed that I could always be there for the people that I love and expected that they would do the same. Once I felt the first stirrings that they were slowly drifting away from me, I would be bitter because I was feeling “discarded”.

But as years go by and different people pass through my life as through a revolving door, some might leave earlier than expected, while some might overstay their welcome, I realised that I have held on to a skewed point of view.

I refused to acknowledge that life is indeed full of changes and as I go through it, each season requires a letting go and a holding on. Each season will have its share of heartbreak and triumphs, a period of renewal and of breaking down. Some of our friends or loved ones were meant to be with us for a season, maybe because they had something to teach us or they had something to learn from us or both. There are people who we may be fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to spend and share our whole lives with. But most of the people we meet – those we’ll share drinks with, those we’ll work with, those we’ll attend a concert with – they will just  be present for a season.

But it doesn’t matter if they’re here to stay or they’re just passing through. What matters is that in the moments spent together, we laughed, we cried, we learned new things, we experienced things for the first time. Most of all in that span of time where our lives overlappedwe displayed love and devotion.

I guess it all comes down to treasuring every moment we have with the people we hold dear in our lives. Not doubting their intentions or wondering how long they’ll stick around, but really to make every second count. It’s easy to dismiss every stranger and not take the effort to build a relationship because let’s face it, we long for that lifelong commitment whether in friendship or finding a partner. But unless we open ourselves to the NOW we won’t be even sure of an EVER AFTER.

[ r e f l e c t i o n ] A Most Common Lie

Saying “I’m OK” or “I’m fine”.

Disguising our real thoughts with a forced half-smile.

I’m OK.

(Insert thoughts)

I’m OK.

(Today was hard for me.)

I’m OK

(The sun refuses to shine for me)

I’m OK.

(I feel alone)

I’m OK

(Everything that could go wrong went wrong)

I’m OK

(I had a relapse)

I’m OK

(Nothing’s going right)

I’m OK

(Can you hear me?)

I’m OK

(I’m hurt)

I’m OK

(I wish I can tell you)

I’m OK

(Can you hold me for just a moment?)

I’m OK

(I can’t breathe)

I’m OK

(My tears are this close to falling)

I’m OK

(NO…I’M NOT OK)

 

***

We all  have MONSTER DAYS, days where we feel like we are living Murphy’s Law. But some of us have this MONSTER DAYS for a longer period, it can stretch to weeks or even years of despair. Outwardly there may not be anything going wrong but their emotions and thought process are in turmoil.

But instead of receiving love and encouragement, sometimes they are met with frustration and condemnation. “Think positively”, “Look on the bright side”, “You shouldn’t let yourself succumb to these kind of negative thoughts” – how many times have they heard this? How many times have they tried to deal with it? Yet the shadows still remain.

They find it futile to voice out what they feel. The gnawing inside their soul. So they wear a smiling mask, a coping facade that lets them go through their days.

“I’m fine”.

“I’m OK”

Loaded words. Different shades of meaning.

[ s h o t s ] The Skies Are Ever Changing

A BALANCING ACT

The second half of this year has begun. I am amazed at the changes that the last three years have brought in my life. Some are welcome changes while some just…happened.

Right now I am still finding my bearings -

I started studying part-time while juggling a full-time job.
I have my once a week Korean classes.
I still want to continue blogging and writing.
I want to meet my friends at least once a month

SAYING GOODBYE

There are many things I have let go off. People I’ve gotten close to, roles that I am used to doing, responsibilities that I am used to fulfilling. It’s not with pain and tears that I have let them go. But at this season on my life, I have to prioritize – not that they weren’t important.

My goals may have changed. My direction may have altered. But my destination still remains the same. I am just taking a different route.

ACCEPTING A NEW SEASON

To be honest this past few months have been hard on me. I have been exploring and experimenting a lot. But it has left me even more confused. There are days when I just want to be left alone, to figure things out without the different voices that clamor for my attention.

When stripped to the bare minimum I realize two things. The first is that the previous two years were more on EXPERIENCING while this next season of my life is LEARNING.

EXPERIENCING

Volunteering at Singapore Writers Festival and meeting F. Sionil Jose (one of my literary inspirations), being a photographer for press conferences and showcases, performing in a pub, writing a play for a youth camp, being an assistant team leader for another youth camp, there were so many things that I have experienced. Most recently I was able to watch one of my favourite Japanese rock bands – ONE OK ROCK perform here in Singapore. This was my first time standing with a few hundred people swaying our heads to the music, the songs catapulting us into a new dimension. I had aches and was sore all over but it was definitely one of the most impacting moments of my life.
Last year and the start of this year was full of things to experience – particularly feeding my interest in music (KOREAN AND JAPANESE) and musicals (WICKED, LION KING, BIBAP). But this will take a backseat because right now I feel that it’s time for me to dig deep in the well of knowledge.

LEARNING

As much as my time allows, I want to go on workshops and lessons. Right now I have to cut back on going for workshops since I already have a full plate with my part-time studies and Korean classes. I  am a firm believer in improving oneself so I am striving towards getting the fullest experience in my education. Aside from that I made a list of things that I want to learn – both new and present skills that I want to improve on.

But this of course needs more time, so I am also learning how to manage my time effectively. Time management isn’t one of my strongest suits and in just a week I have fallen sick trying to cope with a full schedule.

Aside from this I want to learn how to strengthen my faith. I want to be a rock that won’t be shaken. I am human and there’s just not much I can do with my own strength.

But I will hold on to His promise, “My grace is enough; it’s all you need.My strength comes into its own in your weakness.”

[ r e f l e c t i o n ] FAITH in 2011

This is the final part of my Words for 2011, the first word was FOCUS, then there was FANGIRL and now I want to talk about FAITH.

You didn’t raise me to abandon me now
You hear my heart as I let out a shout

- Nikki Fletcher

Last year I’ve been blessed more than I could ask, think or imagine. There were countless of surreal moments that happened last year, and I would only hope and pray that this year will be even more breathtaking and fun as 2011, but with the lesser drama.

The start of the year I experienced a lot of things that threw me into an emotionally charged roller coaster ride. I am glad that through prayers and help from dear friends I was able to weather the storms that passed through my life.

To live without any spiritual guidance or spiritual connection is unfathomable to me. Having faith, hope and love are the essential elements to enjoy life and to be resilient when things do not go as planned.

I hope that my faith and relationship with God will grow stronger. That I will always remember who He is to me and not just what He has done for me.

[ r e f l e c t i o n ] FANGIRL in 2011

“Never underestimate a girl’s love for her favorite band. Never think even for a minute, that she won’t defend them to her death. Because it’s not just the music that makes that band her favorite. It’s the guys, the gals. It’s the fans. People whom of which she has interacted with thanks to the band. That band might of saved her life, or just made her smile everyday. That band has never broke her heart and has yet to leave her. No wonder she finds such joy in her music.”

-Alexander William Gaskarth

There is one thought that encourages me and scares me at the same time:

I WILL ALWAYS BE A FANGIRL.

Even when I was younger I already exhibited fangirl tendencies, and it’s not just limited to my favourite boy groups (Backstreet Boys, N’ Sync, Westlife, A1, 98°, Boyzone anyone?).

I have fangirled on TV shows like HOUSE and CSI,and  Broadway Musicals like WICKED and Legally Blonde.

When I become a fan of an author I try to read as much as I can about them and also finish reading their complete works – authors like Jane Austen, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Banana Yoshimoto and Haruki Murakami.

The past year was about me embracing my fangirl side. There were a lot of times in the past when I had to restrain myself from exhibiting too much adoration for an author, a TV show or a musical group. Especially when it comes to Hallyu Wave related groups or shows or celebrities. There’s always the stigma and stereotype that comes along with being a K-pop fangirl: hyena-like screaming, peppering their conversations with random Korean words, listening to songs they don’t understand, and the list goes on…but most especially that a fangirl has NO LIFE.

I am not writing a defense on behalf of fangirls, but what I realized was that being a fangirl actually opened up a lot of opportunities for me this year. I was able to meet one of my literary idols, F. Sionil Jose because I volunteered for Singapore Writers Festival. I made a lot of friends not only from Singapore but also from different parts of the world because of the fandoms I am in. More recently, I was able to have the “press pass” experience for the Singapore promotions of a K-pop group (Block B) that I support. During their showcase at St. James, I was climbing ledges, bar stools and walls just to get that perfect shot. And by having that press pass, I was able to meet face to face with one of the Korean producers I admire – I don’t really dream big but this was a super awesome experience for me.

Being a fangirl has in some ways pushed me to be more creative – I have the chance to practice photography and even image editing, I am inspired to write more and create more stuff seeing how productive other people are. Through the inspiring stories that these people have I draw strength in pursuing my own dreams.

Because it’s not just a book, not just a song, not just a film, not just a performance  – no matter what media they use the message uplifts me, encourages me and challenges me to be a more creative person.

[ r e f l e c t i o n ] FOCUS in 2011

Once the new year approaches, I have the habit of reflecting on what has happened during the year. It is something I started practicing the first year that I was in Singapore. Looking back, the previous year can be summed up in three words: FOCUS, FAITH & FANGIRL. This post will be all about FOCUS.

“It’s not what’s happening to you now or what has happened in your past that determines who you become. Rather, it’s your decisions about what to focus on, what things mean to you, and what you’re going to do about them that will determine your ultimate destiny.”

- Anthony Robbins

 

LAST YEAR

2011 was the year that my focus became a little less hazy. I realize what I love doing and what I don’t, what I say yes to and it has made a big difference in my life.

Having no focus during the first half of the year made me feel irritable and frustrated. I felt like I was spinning out of control but couldn’t pinpoint what it was that made me angry. It was as if I was in the eye of the storm, everything around me was being destroyed but I was still apathetic. I now understand that it was the fear in me that stopped me from focusing. The fear of focusing on the wrong thing – thoughts like failure plagued me.

Writing, Volunteering and Photography were my main points of interest this year while Blogging and Crafting took a back seat. I am so thankful for the opportunities that were opened to me and I feel that because of these open doors I was able to meet people who have inspired me to embrace myself and do what I love.

The clarity that I received while working through different projects with different people gave me a clearer purpose. Making tough decisions were easier for me because I have a firmer grasp on what I want.

THIS YEAR

I still would want to incorporate Blogging and Crafting in my life. I just love to create and be with people. I think I need to achieve the perfect balance between Self, Creativity and Community.

I value my solitude and my time to create. But my social commitments usually eat away most of the time I should be spending creating and just nurturing myself. I hope to be more precise with my focus and really learn how to say “NO”. Stop having the Superwoman Syndrome, like running out all the time trying to fix things.

I will strive for balance in all my interests and commitments. That is my hope for this year.

[ r e f l e c t i o n ] The Road Least Taken

Hello dear readers,

I know I have not regularly blogged for this year. But I quite like my pace now. This whole year has been a whirlwind of events leaving me with less and less time to create and write. The only times I have written were the times that a deadline was hanging over my head. Still, I am thankful for doors that have opened to me this year. Significant changes that make me feel that things are falling into place.

MOVING ON.

Being exposed to different situations and meeting a lot of interesting people – the path that I want to take has become clearer. For far too long I have either been stalling or treading slowly on a path that is not meant for me. Maybe because most of the people who are close to me are on the same journey and I know nothing outside of it. But as the years pass by, something inside of me has always struggled – though I feel that I am fulfilled and purposeful there’s also a nagging feeling that I am exerting my energies in a vision that is not mine.

Yesterday, I was talking with a good friend about how I want to take a different direction from them. Instead of the support that I expected, that friend implied that I was lowering my standards and preferred a life marked with mediocrity. I was deeply grieved and a bit offended. On the bus ride home I was trying to understand the words spoken to me – it was as if I was “giving up”, it was as if the only correct way to live was to take the path they had chosen.

I fought and reasoned myself on my decision to go with my heart, a decision that was marked with prayers and careful thinking. The plans I now have may not be the same with them, but my vision has the same goal. It’s sad when the status quo has been ingrained in someobody’s mind that any other approach is considered inferior.

If that friend had asked me of my plans or the dream that I want to see fulfilled, he will see that I wasn’t lowering myself to the ordinary nor the mundane. But instead I was shut down and had to take a defensive stance. I realize now that I must be prepared to the skeptical and cynical reactions and that there are sacrifices to be made to make my dream come true. Like the quote above said, I must be prepared to be alone and to endure failure.

Still, I am thankful for that conversation because more than ever, my resolve has gotten stronger. If we always accept every piece of advice given or unsolicited there will be no breakthroughs nor accomplished goals in our lives.
This is me signing off for tonight full of hope and filled with dreams!

[ r e f l e c t i o n ] From Tea & Company

 

Combined work and play today who knew that it would be possible in my life right now? A group of us settled over at Starbucks and I shared a table with a good friend. Both of us ordered a grande green tea latte and we sunk into our own work – she was preparing for an exam while I was writing up proposals for a skit. Occasionally one of us would look up from what we were doing and engage the other for a chat, but then we’d also return to our tasks. We were distracted by a cute little boy and his equally adorable older sister, I am guessing they were between the ages of three and five, they were quite well-behaved and had the most infectious laughter and heart-melting smile that more than once I found myself directing funny facial expressions at them to elicit their giggles instead of focusing on my own work.

The green tea latte did wonders for my creativity, or maybe it has been a long time since I really sat down and wrote something, but I wrote four proposals. The one thing I realized and surprised me today was – there were still stories inside of me.

I have been reluctant to write lately because I feel my well of creative inspiration has run dry. It seemed like whenever I set down to write something, whether it was a poem, a story or even a piece of microfiction, I couldn’t draw it out from me. I was struggling through putting my thoughts into paper that I turned my back on my morning pages because I felt it was a futile exercise. There were times when I caught slivers of a “voice” or a vague story but they would be quick to disappear just like mist, if I didn’t  write it down as soon as the idea presented itself in my mind. Even blogging has become a chore for me, and I couldn’t think of anything to blog about. Aside from scarcity of ideas, I was paralyzed by a fear of not being able to say anything worth saying.

When I was offered to write a skit, I had mixed feelings. Where would I find ideas? Specifically fresh ideas? I have not written a script in almost a year, and  probably the only serious writing I ever did was “Last Farewell” which has been in “draft” mode since I posted it.

Turns out I had nothing to fear, maybe the Muse has once again looked favorably on me or it was because I had really struggled and mulled over the theme that not just one nor two but four ideas came in. What is strange is that they did not enter merely through a string of words but they came as pictures and sounds in my mind, like trailers or teasers.

In fact I was writing feverishly of what I was seeing that I didn’t realize that I was depleting the power on my netbook. I didn’t bring the power cable because I didn’t think that I would be busy typing!

I really hope that I can write more in the coming days. Two  of my goals that I really want to take seriously before the year ends are to write more and to take more photos.

This script will be the start of re-igniting my passion for writing, and maybe just to be on the safe side, I will drink more tea!

[ r e f l e c t i o n ] A Simple Wish

from laineylamonto

Yes, this blog has been awfully quiet lately. There have been so many things that have happened – some enjoyable while some are just so frustrating. I was watching the news yesterday and they said that we have 62 more days till Christmas, that means today we have 68 more days until 2012. Roughly two months and a week till the new year. That’s quite fast, don’t you think so?

This year has been filled with ups and downs, but I have to admit the DOWNs  were so intense that it has clouded the memories of my UPs. I have been sicker a lot of times this year, the one thing that really frustrates me a lot is how my physical condition restrains me from doing what I want to do. And there area lot of things I want to do.

Last Friday, despite the rain I was able to help out at the opening ceremony of the Singapore Writers Festival. It was a good experience for me, and I would have attended more sessions if I weren’t injured. Tomorrow is Deepavali, and I will be fully booked as a room manager at one of the seminar rooms at SMU. I will have to get some sleep tonight to be fit for duty.

But most of all it’s been ages since I did some crafting let alone touched my supplies. I am thankful that if I were not in charge of making cards for my friends’ birthdays I would totally be not doing anything creative.

So here is my year-end list of things to do:

1. Attend a showcase by one of my favorite bands

2. Take a hike through MacRitchie Reservoir, but before that;

3. Buy running shoes

4. Finish a collage

5. Finish a roll of film from Siobhan

6. Release a zine (I am excited for this)

7. Clear of my letter back log

and after all of this, I can relax and sleep to my heart’s content! I hope that I will finish this year with a  great big BANG! Having no regrets about what happens.

[ r e f l e c t i o n ] Someone to Watch Over Me

There we were sitting at the The Coffee Club at Changi Airport, I was making my way through a significantly large portion of Lasagna while my friend was eating spaghetti, we had not met up for a long time – a long time meaning a week, that’s how our friendship was. We were catching up on the drama of each others  lives when my friend decided to vent on me.

“I just wish that someone believed in me”. I almost choked on my food, she was a few years younger than me, she’s beautiful, smart and knows what she wants in life. She knows it so well that she has made decisions that brought her closer to her dream. She wants to be in the entertainment industry, she’s had modeling offers, she won herself a beauty pageant title and last year I watched her act in her first play. She has done more to reach her dreams than I have, she’s achieved more than I did when I was her age.

Still, she echoed something that I have wanted to say out all along. I just wished someone believed in me, we all want that from one another don’t we? But we rarely get it. Yes, of course, believing in oneself is important for anyone who chases their dreams, but a little support can go a long way. For someone else to single you out  and wholeheartedly agree that whatever goal you have is worth fighting for and believes that you can do it no matter what. Knowing that someone is there for you to cheer you on, prod you, encourage you – that’s a great feeling of affirmation. That your dream isn’t just a castle on a cloud, it’s possible for you to attain it.

Sadly we meet people who seem to be intent on shooting down our dreams and watch them fall down in flames rather than helping us. Some of them may feel that they’re dispensing wise advice because they’ve been there and they were disappointed. In their cynicism they infect other people with discouragement. Sometimes I wish instead of saying anything negative they’d just don’t say anything.

Looking back on my life, I realise that my greatest moments so far happened because someone believed in me and gave me an opportunity to stretch myself beyond what I thought I was capable of. My English teacher who “coerced” me to join public speaking and writing contests – I was very shy then and I couldn’t express myself very well but that year I won in all the competitions that I joined in and in the following years I was training participants myself. My blockmates in Uni who supported my vision for a talent show production, accepting my script and their roles, pulling off long nights rehearsing, sewing costumes, learning choreography – and the reward of seeing people being entertained by our show was a great self-esteem boost for me.

I am so happy for the wonderful community of bloggers who take the time to read my blog, I know that there are a few of you who regularly read my blog, and receiving comments and email about how you love my blog make my heart happy. I love the support that you wonderful people give! Without it I would have floundered and completely given up on my dreams.

And I just want all of  you to know that I believe in you, I believe that your dreams will come true, that you are ready for anything and everything that will come your way, knowing that in the end it was all worth the sacrifice, the sleepless nights and sometimes the loneliness.

Let’s fight for our dreams!

“All of us failed to match our dreams of perfection. So I rate us on the basis of our splendid failure to do the impossible.” -William Faulkner