[ r e f l e c t i o n ] Loving and Leaving

There’s no guarantee that those who love us will never leave us, nor is it always true that those who leave us never loved us.

This thought came across my mind while I was walking from my office to the bus stop, and yes, I just quoted myself.

How many times have I mistaken leaving for neglect or abandonment? There are people who in my life who I wished stayed a little longer with me. Growing up I had this view that part of  loving someone means that you will always be there for that person. I believed that I could always be there for the people that I love and expected that they would do the same. Once I felt the first stirrings that they were slowly drifting away from me, I would be bitter because I was feeling “discarded”.

But as years go by and different people pass through my life as through a revolving door, some might leave earlier than expected, while some might overstay their welcome, I realised that I have held on to a skewed point of view.

I refused to acknowledge that life is indeed full of changes and as I go through it, each season requires a letting go and a holding on. Each season will have its share of heartbreak and triumphs, a period of renewal and of breaking down. Some of our friends or loved ones were meant to be with us for a season, maybe because they had something to teach us or they had something to learn from us or both. There are people who we may be fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to spend and share our whole lives with. But most of the people we meet – those we’ll share drinks with, those we’ll work with, those we’ll attend a concert with – they will just  be present for a season.

But it doesn’t matter if they’re here to stay or they’re just passing through. What matters is that in the moments spent together, we laughed, we cried, we learned new things, we experienced things for the first time. Most of all in that span of time where our lives overlappedwe displayed love and devotion.

I guess it all comes down to treasuring every moment we have with the people we hold dear in our lives. Not doubting their intentions or wondering how long they’ll stick around, but really to make every second count. It’s easy to dismiss every stranger and not take the effort to build a relationship because let’s face it, we long for that lifelong commitment whether in friendship or finding a partner. But unless we open ourselves to the NOW we won’t be even sure of an EVER AFTER.

[ c r a f t e d ] Uterus Flag Project

I had hoped to blog about this earlier, but with all the stuff going on it inadvertently slipped through my writing.
I joined the UTERUS FLAG PROJECT. This project is the brainchild of Escondido artist Terrilyn Quick to raise awareness on the overmedicalization of women especially unnecessary hysterectomies. I thought that this project was interesting and it also connected to me on a personal level. Because even in this day and age women still have a lot to learn regarding reproductive health.  The uterus is symbolic because as Quick said, “This is the first room we all came from”.

My embroidered uterus flag was filled with sequins and outline stitch. I chose bright colors because they symbolized life and red thread to signify blood.

Honestly it felt good to do something and sewing something meaningful at that. My piece now resides at California alongside other uterus flags.

[ r e f l e c t i o n ] A Most Common Lie

Saying “I’m OK” or “I’m fine”.

Disguising our real thoughts with a forced half-smile.

I’m OK.

(Insert thoughts)

I’m OK.

(Today was hard for me.)

I’m OK

(The sun refuses to shine for me)

I’m OK.

(I feel alone)

I’m OK

(Everything that could go wrong went wrong)

I’m OK

(I had a relapse)

I’m OK

(Nothing’s going right)

I’m OK

(Can you hear me?)

I’m OK

(I’m hurt)

I’m OK

(I wish I can tell you)

I’m OK

(Can you hold me for just a moment?)

I’m OK

(I can’t breathe)

I’m OK

(My tears are this close to falling)

I’m OK

(NO…I’M NOT OK)

 

***

We all  have MONSTER DAYS, days where we feel like we are living Murphy’s Law. But some of us have this MONSTER DAYS for a longer period, it can stretch to weeks or even years of despair. Outwardly there may not be anything going wrong but their emotions and thought process are in turmoil.

But instead of receiving love and encouragement, sometimes they are met with frustration and condemnation. “Think positively”, “Look on the bright side”, “You shouldn’t let yourself succumb to these kind of negative thoughts” – how many times have they heard this? How many times have they tried to deal with it? Yet the shadows still remain.

They find it futile to voice out what they feel. The gnawing inside their soul. So they wear a smiling mask, a coping facade that lets them go through their days.

“I’m fine”.

“I’m OK”

Loaded words. Different shades of meaning.

[ s h o t s ] The Skies Are Ever Changing

A BALANCING ACT

The second half of this year has begun. I am amazed at the changes that the last three years have brought in my life. Some are welcome changes while some just…happened.

Right now I am still finding my bearings -

I started studying part-time while juggling a full-time job.
I have my once a week Korean classes.
I still want to continue blogging and writing.
I want to meet my friends at least once a month

SAYING GOODBYE

There are many things I have let go off. People I’ve gotten close to, roles that I am used to doing, responsibilities that I am used to fulfilling. It’s not with pain and tears that I have let them go. But at this season on my life, I have to prioritize – not that they weren’t important.

My goals may have changed. My direction may have altered. But my destination still remains the same. I am just taking a different route.

ACCEPTING A NEW SEASON

To be honest this past few months have been hard on me. I have been exploring and experimenting a lot. But it has left me even more confused. There are days when I just want to be left alone, to figure things out without the different voices that clamor for my attention.

When stripped to the bare minimum I realize two things. The first is that the previous two years were more on EXPERIENCING while this next season of my life is LEARNING.

EXPERIENCING

Volunteering at Singapore Writers Festival and meeting F. Sionil Jose (one of my literary inspirations), being a photographer for press conferences and showcases, performing in a pub, writing a play for a youth camp, being an assistant team leader for another youth camp, there were so many things that I have experienced. Most recently I was able to watch one of my favourite Japanese rock bands – ONE OK ROCK perform here in Singapore. This was my first time standing with a few hundred people swaying our heads to the music, the songs catapulting us into a new dimension. I had aches and was sore all over but it was definitely one of the most impacting moments of my life.
Last year and the start of this year was full of things to experience – particularly feeding my interest in music (KOREAN AND JAPANESE) and musicals (WICKED, LION KING, BIBAP). But this will take a backseat because right now I feel that it’s time for me to dig deep in the well of knowledge.

LEARNING

As much as my time allows, I want to go on workshops and lessons. Right now I have to cut back on going for workshops since I already have a full plate with my part-time studies and Korean classes. I  am a firm believer in improving oneself so I am striving towards getting the fullest experience in my education. Aside from that I made a list of things that I want to learn – both new and present skills that I want to improve on.

But this of course needs more time, so I am also learning how to manage my time effectively. Time management isn’t one of my strongest suits and in just a week I have fallen sick trying to cope with a full schedule.

Aside from this I want to learn how to strengthen my faith. I want to be a rock that won’t be shaken. I am human and there’s just not much I can do with my own strength.

But I will hold on to His promise, “My grace is enough; it’s all you need.My strength comes into its own in your weakness.”